The Proposal

Have you ever felt that confessing 'I love you' to a person who's been your 'friend-forever' is never an easy thing? Did you ever feel like your head's going to explode the minute you see that special friend walk towards you? That a thousand questions such as 'what to say', 'how to begin', when's the right time', 'what if he's not interested' or 'why me or him at all...', and so on, are popping up on your mind, and the world around you has vanished? Well, I certainly did, and it was a long time ago! Then why am I writing it NOW?

Well, because....

...it was a couple of days ago on my way back to home from a visit to my friend's place that all these memories flashed back. My dearest friend and I had this conversation; we usually talk almost about any nonsense in the world, and this time it had to be about LOVE. Anyway,  regardless of the consequences (my friend will kill me if he knew I published it), I decided to share my story.

Here's something which I liked to call 'The Proposal" when I wrote it about 3 and half years ago for a boy I met in college (after 10 years!). We were good friends at that time.

Dearest ***,        

I don't know how to start this letter, because I'm afraid it might be the end of our good acquaintance, or if I'm lucky, the realization of my dreams, which is for you to love me as I love you. I told myself I might as well take the risks because it's the only remedy I know that could unburden this feeling I've been keeping ever  since.

            My dear ***, I love you. I know you'll find it hard to believe me if I tell you now how much you mean to me. I could hardly understand what I feel for you, knowing how to endure those long sleepless nights just thinking only of you. I've never been like this before. I just don't know how to pour out my feelings for you. I wanted to find the perfect words to make you realize how much I need you, admire you, and love you, but words continue to elude me. What would they be? Something dramatic, or romantic, or poetic? I'm sure it should be heartfelt and out of the ordinary. I'm afraid it's no use for every time I look at you, or even hear your name; the words came out the same… I love you!

            I'm not ashamed of my feelings, and thought I have to let you know as I no longer can deceive you, and also myself.

 I cannot even end my pen saying 'anticipating your quick response' as I do not really expect one from you. All I thought was to let you know how much you mean to me, and relieve myself from this enduring pain by relating them to you.

All I can add is – I shall always remain yours truly,

 -A. 

The answer all I got was something along the lines of  "why didn't you tell me before? You wouldn't have gone through this pain at all. I would have told you 'NO' long ago'". Anyway, after that proposal, I felt totally humiliated. That's another story.  However, I did learn something from this episode- speak out if you want to be heard when the time's right instead of wondering 'what would it be/have been like if I...'

"Humne toh itna dekha

Humne toh itna seekha

Dil ka sauda hota hai sauda zindagi ka"

Heel free to laugh at, tease and mock me. I'll be glad to join you!