My Thoughts Over a Cup of Coffee...

 

As I sit by the window in my bedroom with a cup of coffee and my laptop after a long conversation with an old friend, who got married very recently, I couldn’t stop wondering if this is what has been eating me all this time- the fact that I have never know what it is like to be loved by someone. So I started putting these thoughts into words while they are still fresh in my mind, and before the feelings were hidden away again. Not being in a relationship is something I can live with, which I have successfully for all my life; however, I think what I crave is an intimacy that I believe can only be found in a relationship (according to my friends, books, and my observation too). 

As much as I’d like to pat myself on the back for being a single, strong, independent woman who “doesn’t need a man”, there are also moments that just make walls crumble. Most of the times, I absolutely enjoy and love not being in a relationship for things, little they may be, like not having to be “accountable” to anyone, to not have to constantly worry about what the other person is thinking, and all the little annoyances that come with the start of the new relationship. Or just being able to be by myself, and do my own thing when I please. However, I must admit that there are times when it feels like single-hood is a boulder on my shoulder.

 Even little things like walking down the road, and meeting an old friend with her boyfriend/husband on a shopping trip, or eating alone in a restaurant or a movie and trying to imagine what it’s like to be on a date, or being all alone on a holiday get to me. It’s been so long I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to even hold hands, or the random hugs.

When I lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, unable to get my mind to rest, I wonder what it would be like to have the comfort of someone nearby – to have someone wrap an arm around me, and hold me as I sleep. And though I have had experiences that left me with some negative thoughts on relationships, and some very biased opinions, there are times when I’d trade anything to have one myself. I have needed to feel loved and wanted, to be trusting, and open, and to be so close to someone in every way. This type of intimacy is something you can never have with a friendship, even the types of extremely close friendships that I do have (and ones that I am grateful for).

You go so long without something, you wonder if it will ever happen. Though I’m happy with myself, and with my life, there are times when the night falls, and life quiets and I am left with my thoughts, that I ache to be held and to be loved. I wonder at times if what I crave for will ever befall in my path. I wonder if my life will ever be graced with intimacy.

It’s at moments like this that I can only hope.

AMMA'S RETIREMENT

September 30th, 2012- the day when Amma retired as a teacher with 30 years of service. I wasn't there to attend the retirement function, so I asked my sister to capture the moment for me. I was told who attended the function everyone had a lot to say about amma, of course all nice things. Her colleagues, students, family and friends. 

I always knew that amma is a good teacher, both professionally and otherwise. We always had, and still have, something to learn from her. I could write a 10-page essay on what kind of a person amma is, and what she went through to keep her family safe and secure. Only, words won't be sufficient to express my emotions. 

Anyway, about the function- although everybody showered my mum with their blessings, gratitude and love, I think my father had it all. I have seen my parents disagreeing, and teasing each other in all ups and downs of their 33 years of marriage. I always wondered why there weren't many times when they appreciated each other, or if they really are in love. 

Today, I know how much they love each other although they don't express their love as westerners do or as the younger generation does. I'll never forget  my father's words "She gave a meaning to my life; in fact she gave a life" 

Amma, this is for you!

I know how much you missed spending time with your family when you had to travel long distances and work very hard. We missed you too. I hope you'll get that 7-day weekend now, and get to spend as much time as you wish with father. I LOVE YOU.

"To err is human."

"To err is human." 

Or, it isn't anymore?

 

Like any other man on the Earth, I have made mistakes too. But just because I've made 'em doesn't mean I'm made of them. Even more, it doesn't give anyone the right to tag me as "EVIL". Right? Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to the famous quote - 'To err is human'! Recent events in my life messed me up so much that I'm so confused, and thus here I am on my blog questioning myself (and anyone who cared to read it) - Isn't to err human anymore? I'm not a people-person. I take time to extend my hand for friendship (what's wrong with that?). But, once I've made friends I love them, and never leave them even if I fall out of love with them. That's me! I don't have a philosophy, nor do I follow any rules when it comes to friendship. I just believe that one cannot like most of the qualities in one's friend, and yet be friends with them.

What's wrong in being friends with someone even if you are not in love with them anymore (as you were once), as long as you still feel comfortable around them? I can hate my friend for many things, and still be happy to call him /her my friend for just as he/she is! After all, you don't have to be a perfect match to be friends, or think exactly alike or act and react in the same way on everything, do you? I don't think so. However, not all agree with me. Instead, I’m often tagged as a ‘hypocrite’ and ‘evil’, and very often I'm left alone. How am I any of those things? Why do I have to like everything about my friends, or vice versa? Why do you have to end a relationship based only on a few things you don’t see eye-to-eye about? I’ll never have answers to any of these questions. Why doesn’t anyone look back at me once before they decide to abandon me forever, leaving me confused and wondering 'what did I do now?' or 'Did I do something at all?" or "Is it not me but them?"

I'll never understand! I’ll never understand why one holds on only to the mistakes one’s friend has made, and not to the good times they had together! I’ll never understand how one cannot cherish the fact that despite the differences, one can still love each other for lifetime! I’ll never understand how one can erase all the beautiful memories from one’s mind but keep the painful ones? I’ll never understand why making mistakes is no longer a human attribute! I’ll never understand why isn’t “To err is human” valid anymore!!!

 

 

సంక్రాంతి శుభాకాంక్షలు

బన్ధుమిత్రులన్దరికీ సంక్రాంతి శుభాకాంక్షలు. జాగ్రత్త సుమా ! :-)

आज ये कैसी उदासी चाई है...

आज ये कैसी उदासी चाई है
तन्हाई की बादल से भीगी जुदाई है
रोया है फिर मेरा दिल
जाने आज किसकी यद् आई है

बेचैन शाम को उदास रात ने आवाज़ लगायी है
कोई भूली हुई बात फिर याद आई है
दर्द उठा है आज फिर सीने में मेरे
जाने किसने चोट लगायी है .

अपना समझकर हर ख़ुशी उसपे लुटाई है
बदले में चाहा प्यार, तो मिली बेवफाई है
हुए इस कदर रुसवा हम की
आज खुद पे शर्म आई है

उसके इंतज़ार में बैठी मेरी परछाई है
कुछ सोचकर आज फिर आँख भर आई है
जल रही थी शमा बड़े शान से
जाने किसने आकर बुझाई है

आज वही तारीख लौटकर फिर आई है
पर वो नहीं साथ, सिर्फ मेरी तन्हाई है
यही सोचेंगे उम्र भर की
क्यों उसने की मेरी रुसवाई है

रोया है फिर मेरा दिल
कोई बात आज फिर याद आई है